Divorce

I am sure I am not the only one that has had “daddy issues”. It took me years to even see the relationship between how the world was occurring to me, my relationship with my husband and even my relationship with myself and the Daddy issues I had buried deep, pretending they didn’t exist. We have all had experiences in our lives that, if we allow them to, can create a disconnect for someone that we love. I yearned for a healthy, loving and connected relationship with my father, I just didn’t know where to start or what to do. I knew it started with me so I set out to reinvent the relationship with my dad and create change by letting go. Here is how I was able to reinvent my relationship.

For as long as I can remember I absolutely loved my dad. Like, worshipped him. He was the coolest thing and I always wanted to just be around him. When my dad decided to leave my mom, pain, anger, fear and sadness blocked those feelings. I felt wrong to see my dad in the same light I did before because of the turmoil that was unfolding in my household. But deep down I still did want to be around him and I loved him. I just didn’t know what life looked like anymore. So I pushed him away and he accepted.

The one man I loved so deeply was no longer in my life in the same way. I felt a void inside and so I did what I could to fill it. Boys, drugs, distractions. I envied my friends who had great relationships with their dads. Someday I hoped that I could have a relationship like that with my dad but to even go there I knew I would have to swim through the pain and anger. I knew I had to somehow get all of that out of the way if there was even a possibility of creating the relationship I desired.

Our relationship was rocky. We would sweep things under the rug and pretend everything was ok till the next blow up and then we wouldn’t talk for years at a time, sometimes. Then one would eventual reach out and then the cycle would continue. The cycle of pain, disappointment, and anger. A cycle I didn’t want to live in anymore. I wanted it to change and for us, to truly break free and create a relationship built on unconditional love and trust. After years of setting this as a vision for us I am pleased to say we have finally gotten there.

How, you may be asking? Well I am going to give you some steps to help you overcome your “daddy issues” and step forward towards a new relationship if you desire it. These tools are helpful with any relationship you currently feel disconnected with.

The first step…. own your part in the matter. Own up to your contribution to the current state of your relationship. Personally I didn’t know how to feel when my parents divorced. It pained me to see my mom in pain. I was confused by the talk and the bad mouthing. I didn’t know what to do so I felt I had to choose a side. I built the wall with my dad and men in general to avoid the pain. I chose to avoid the possibility of getting hurt so I avoided a real relationship with him. I had to own up to my part instead of just blaming him. It’s easy to point the finger at others but turning the mirror to ourselves isn’t so easy.

Let go of expectations. Geez I had so many expectations of how he was supposed to show up as a father. Expectations that were never even communicated with him. How could he even live up to that? He didn’t have a fair chance. So when I let go of how I was expecting him to show up I was able to see how he was actually showing up. Simply things like noticing he filled up my glass of wine without me even asking, calling just to say hello and no agenda, or sending me articles because he wants to empower me with a topic. I saw that those gestures are his way of showing his love and affection. I was blinded by those things because they didn’t fit into the box I was ‘expecting’. How amazing is it to let go of expectations of others and just see them for them underneath?

Let go of the resentments. I know it’s not easy to let go. Pain runs deep. I get that. I had 15 plus years of it. But the relationship I truly wanted with my dad depended on this. How was I to have an open, honest, loving relationship with him if I was holding onto past resentments? So I grabbed a paper and a pen and started to write. I wrote it all. Got it all out. The pain the anger, the hurt, the sadness just got it all out. And allowed myself acceptance and forgiveness to come through. That’s the key with these types of things — acceptance and forgiveness. Otherwise it’s just an angry mess. So my advice to you is to keep writing until you get to that place. The pain that is released during the process is hard to feel but if you come to that place of acceptance and forgiveness then you truly feel lighter and freer at the end of it.

Being open and honest. This was a hard one. Probably the toughest but I finally needed to let him into what I was holding back for so long. I had never given him the opportunity to get to know the real me. I was afraid of what we would think or feared he wouldn’t love me so I held the real me back. I had to shift the fear aside and just let him into how the world was occurring for me. I told him I didn’t need him to try to fix anything but just to listen. I also needed to finally express how I felt when we left my mom. Again, I didn’t need him to apologize or fix anything but I just needed to express it to him so I am no longer holding that back. He listened and acknowledged me and finally I was able to completely move on.

The most beautiful part is our commitment and agreement. We made a stand for our relationship. What it was is that no matter what we will be able to talk to each other. We can bring any concerns we have to the other in person and speak about them openly and honestly and we will listen to the other person. We will always have unconditional love for each other. Just being in agreement with each other on this allowed me to feel safe in our relationship.

Healing this relationship and literally reinventing it shifted so much inside me. I felt freer, kinder, more open and, honestly, more whole. Like the void was no longer missing. Love and respect for one another that used to seem conditional shifted to unconditional. Together we reinvented our relationship.

Healing the heart is what is needed. Please share this if it resonates with you. Time to be free and to reinvent those relationships, if you so desire.