Intimacy
The Power in Confronting Conversations
There is so much power that can come from those confronting conversations. Power in the ways of making a stand, being heard and creating a deeper understanding.
Many, many, many confronting conversations have occurred in the last couple of days with myself and the amazing man that stands by my side. Being in a true partnership takes lots of work and even more communication. But that is what we have both chosen to do. To invent a partnership where we can come together as two complete 100{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} beings to create a dynamic 200{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} togetherness.
The 2 x 100{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} completeness has been a shift. See, what I have realised is that when we became "us" I let go of a piece of me in order to create the 'us'. Why? Because I didn't know how not to. I didn't know how to be completely me and allow him to be completely him. I didn't get that. I didn't see that. I only saw what I felt to be the 'right' way and give up some of me in order to actually be an 'us'.
Now, that choice I made was a way to protect myself. To feel safer, comfortable, and normal. But a little space within was waving and screaming saying "remember me?" I have been swiped under the rug, but I am still here.
Maybe you understand this. Maybe you don't. Either way that's totally ok. But what we have done to literally reinvent our relationship has been the spark of magic. Because when two complete whole beings making a choice to be with each other fully, it creates a future that can inspire our children and their future relationships with their partners.
To come to the place to bring forth all of me I had to look to see what was missing. What was missing from myself and from my relationship that we needed to get into communication about. What was hiding underneath that needed to be expressed?
Oh these conversations are not easy ones. To be able to hold my ownership of what I am feeling without turning to blame, which I find very easy to do by the way. To express to him what is missing without defensiveness coming forward, which is a protective mechanism often turned to in these types of conversations. To just be able to hear and understand which can lead to a deeper more intimate understanding...
The type of relationship we are wanting to invent with each other we have never witnessed in our upbringing. It's what most people desire but it's either to hard or the amount of work needed to actually create it is never done.
Knowing we have each other and we are making the stand side by side together no matter how blah it sometimes makes us feel, we feel into those yucky feelings and come out the other side with new understandings and a deeper connection.
Intimacy
I am not referring to the physical in-the-bedroom type of intimacy, even though that is great, but the emotional kind. The deep connection with another. Where you truly know who the other is. Know their dreams, desires and what’s hidden underneath. I want to chat with you about how I came to a deeper level intimately with my husband.
After being together for nearly 10 years I was surprised that there were still things we were hiding from each other. In our defense, we were not doing it intentionally, but you know when you walk into a room and you can just smell something rotten? You may not be able to see it but you sure can smell it? That was us. We could just smell it. We needed to lift the lid to discover where that stench was coming from. Find out what it was and where it was hiding.
The lid was lifted big time when I participated in a deep dive personal expansion journey. Things came up that I could no longer hide. Parts of me that I wanted to keep tucked away for one reason or another were surfacing. Funny how the thing that matters the most comes up when you decide to dive in. What mattered most was having a true intimate relationship with my husband. A relationship that inspires other relationships and not just because it looks good on social media but really because it is. Now this wasn’t just going to magically happen because I wanted it to — I had to get to work. Our future depended on it. Enough was enough! Time to get to work and expand “us”.
So, task one was getting really honest. Not honest in “you are not doing this, you are not doing that, why don’t you do this, why don’t you say that,” kind of way. I was owning up to my cause in the matter of where our relationship was and not putting blame on him for anything. What I needed to be really honest about was what I was hiding underneath. I needed to lift the vail, to reveal the parts that I was hiding that I thought to be the not-so-good pieces of me. To truly let him in and see me. All of me. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the pain, the anger, the bitchiness, the sassy and the sexy parts of who I am.
If you are the one wanting to grow a deeper more intimate connection with your partner let them know.
Now, the key was communication. I literally communicated about everything. So much talking went on that sometimes I wanted to just hide and not talk to anyone for days. But you know what was amazing was it was just talking. Expression of what I had always wanted to tell him or talk to him about but shyed away from. And these were not light conversations. These conversations were deep, raw, rough and full of love and acknowledgement for each other. It opened up space within us individually. Opened space with each other which allowed us to become intimate on a whole new level.
What are you holding back from your partner? Do you feel that real deep imitate connection with them outside of the bedroom as well as inside the bedroom? Are you ready to up your intimacy? Here are my tips for you:
First, if you are the one wanting to grow a deeper more intimate connection with your partner let them know. Tell them. Bring them into your vision for your relationship. What does that relationship look like? Paint the picture for them of why you want to work at building an intimate connection with them. My husband and I came together and made a stand for a relationship of love, connection, trust and adventure. We did this not only for each other but also for our kids. What stand are you going to make for yours?
Eye gaze. Sit with your partner chairs facing each other, knees touching and gaze into each other’s eyes for at least five mins. This exercise was so hard for me the first time I did it. They say eyes are the window to the soul and when doing this exercise you really do feel that soul connection.
Express what has been hiding. Key is to come from a place of you owning the cause in the matter and not from a place of blame or resentment. If you have resentment let go of it prior to having these open expression conversations. Write a letter with no intention of giving it to the person and release and forgive. After that you will have a much cleaner energetic space to have those deep expression conversations.
Get an acknowledgment journal. Write down things you want to be acknowledged for and your partner does the same and exchange. Have your partner read yours to you and you to your partners. Make this a habit and a date each week. You will be amazed and not only how amazing it feels to give and receive acknowledgments but also how it opens up communication with the both of you.
If you are the one wanting to grow a deeper more intimate connection with your partner let them know. Tell them. Bring them into your vision for your relationship. What is that relationship? My husband and I came together and made a stand for a relationship of love, connection, trust and adventure.
As a women I have always desired a real, connected, loving relationship. Movies, books and fairy tales lead me to believe it would just be that way if I was with the “right” person. But I now see that story and I know the facts. If I want that real, intimate and loving relationship then it takes work. Sometimes the work is freaking hard. But what comes from the hard work makes the sweat to get there desirable.
Please share this story if it resonates with you. You never know who it might help x
