January 11, 2011 is the day I received the most amazing gift.
One I didn’t know I needed or even thought twice about until the last couple of years. Yes, this was the day my precious daughter and first child was born but that wasn’t the gift I am referring to, even though she in herself is a gift to this world. It is what she opened up for me that has turned into the most amazing gift.
I planned a water birth at a birth center in Orange County. Of course pregnancy and labour being very medicalised, especially in the US, and at the time I was working full time as a nurse in the hospital. People thought I was crazy for two reasons. One, I wanted a drug free birth. And two, I wanted it outside a hospital. Why I wanted a drug free birth came from a strong knowing within that if I wanted to really be present for the birth. To do that I needed to not be numbed. Also, being sensitive to medications myself I didn’t want the meds passing to my child. Choosing to have it out of the hospital was because I knew I wanted freedom to move, have a water birth, not be asked about drugs and I wanted to bring my child into this world in a more home-like setting. I worked at the hospital and there was nothing homie or calm about it. So, I followed this internal push and had to trust.
My labouring process was intense. I experienced back labour which means all the contractions were in my back and it felt more like nerves contracting then the uterus. I laboured on all fours or in the warm shower for as long as the hot water lasted. During this process that was completely out of my control I learned to surrender into the experience. I discovered how to fully drop into my body and be with the experience. For someone that was a control freak and suffered sexual trauma I fought this reality for as long as I could until I finally let go. And that’s when my world was opened to this primal nature I had within.
What was unleashed that day was a part of me I didn’t know existed. A raw, earthy, warrior, fully present with her body and its power, knows and follows what the body wants and was not afraid to fully use her sound. It’s hard to even describe in words this part of me. But being in all fours I was moving my body in a way that was new, I was making sounds I don’t think I ever allowed myself to make and I was fully connected to this place within my body. It was as if the shell of this composed modern women was left and this ancient wildly part emerged.
Now that I can look back at it I see the gift it gave me, but in the moment I didn’t understand who that person was and quite frankly I was embarrassed. I couldn’t believe I lost my “strength and composure”. Within the next day from this embarrassed and judging place within I asked my husband what he thought of the labour and specifically how I “acted” and his response deepened the gift – “you were just so primal”. I thought primal…..hmmmm that’s interesting. Well ok, and moved on. He still accepted me and loved me even at my “weirdest time” – ah thank goodness. I honestly thought I would have scared him off!
At the time this primal response stayed in the back of my brain. And two and half years later when I went into labour with my son I knew I could do it but I resisted this primal part more because I developed this embarrassed and weird relationship to her. I never fully allowed her to unleash. This unknowingly occurred as I rejected a part that is me and is always within.
These last couple of years as I have learned to recover these lost pieces of myself and while doing practises to come back into my raw primal self I discovered the gift my daughter unlocked within me. Because of her I had a very intimate relationship with my primal nature. I had embodied her for 12 hours. She got me through and showed me a power I didn’t realise was there. She opened a gateway to the knowing that lies within my body. And showed me what it is like to surrender, listen and be with what it occurring. To use movement and sound to move energy and to embody an experience.
This gift of embodying my primal self, connecting so deeply into my body and surrendering has been a huge part of my transformation these last couple of years. Something I didn’t understand eight years ago and actually rejected at first has now integrated and become a part of me that I am so deeply grateful for. So on this day January 11 2018 I thank my amazing daughter. For showing me a new part of myself and my husband for opening the door to accepting this part of me.
Happy birthday Kaleena. The many joys and gifts you have given me you may never know but I hope you know everyday how deeply
