I am not broken. I do not need you to fix me. The prince coming to rescue the princess is what we are all made to believe, but what I do need is to be heard. Listen to me. Hear what I am saying. Feel how life is impacting me and be able to “be” with me as I communicate what I need to say.
Communication is the key to healthy relationships, right? But there is much more to communication than what is spoken. It’s been stated that 93{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} of communication is nonverbal so why is it when I need to actually discuss something with someone they automatically jump to verbal communication? If 93{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} of communication is nonverbal, then have we just forgotten the skill of being able to listen? To be able to just express most of what’s needed through the nonverbal side of communication? Are we unable to actually sit with someone and give then the space to actually describe what is happening in their world?
Disconnection with those we love and those we have relationships with happens when we stop communicating. Is the decision to stop real honest communication from personal beliefs, or is it the result of others trying to fix us? What does ‘trying to be fixed’ even mean?
It may look like this: I tell me partner that I feel stressed out because I just moved to a new country and I don’t have any friends. I feel alone and I miss my family. What I am desiring is just to be heard and for him to understand how I am feeling since moving. What happens when he is trying to fix it is perhaps he starts scheduling a time for friends to visit and finding a way to make new friends. Even though this response comes from a place of love and care, I do not actually feel heard. I feel like how I am feeling is not ok and needs to be fixed. What if I stated the same thing to my partner and the response was “I hear you and what you’re expressing to me, and what you are feeling. What are some ideas you are thinking about to help with these needs?”
We often forget that we really do know what we need to do. We hold the key. Why do we forget that? Because it is hidden behind the feelings either unexpressed or expressed but it’s tried to ‘be fixed’. But if listened to then we can maintain our own power and feel supported by the one listening. Listening is such an important skill, and one that personally I have had work on. Why didn’t they teach listening skills in school? If listening was emphasized from early on maybe we would be better listeners. But even if listening we are still left with another area that needs to be discussed which is being able to allow the other person to express their emotions. I don’t know why we developed such a tough, almost emotionless culture, where it’s hard to deal with when someone is expressing anything with emotion behind it. Maybe it’s because a lot of us hide from our own emotions? Or maybe we are just modelling what we were taught? I even catch myself now with my kids shhhing them when they are shedding some tears, but remember they don’t need to be told to be quiet – they need me to just be there with love.
Right now think of something that is occurring that you would just love to talk about. Something you may be feeling? Something you may be trying to hide to avoid possible conflict or frustration? Close your eyes and imagine being able to say all that you need to say and just be heard and not fixed.
Now, I am not referring the conversations where all you want to say is the “you” word. You know the “you” word. “You did this.” “You didn’t do that etc…” It’s not the blame game of expression but the “I” game. “I am feeling like this.” “I have this going on.” “I feel sad.” “Or I wish we lived closer to family.”
Expressing what the “I” wishes to say. How would that impact the relationship if you were able to freely communicate in that manner? Would it bring you closer? Would it increase the understanding of the other person?
Maybe you are reading this and thinking you are the “you” person when going into conversations. Man I totally do that. I will tell you what, that was me! I was the “you” person. Everything was my husband’s fault. I was feeling the way I was because he did or didn’t do something. In that dynamic he never wanted to discuss anything because he knew it would be bad. Our communication was horrible and we were not going to or connecting on any deep level. I felt like we were just surviving. The tough shift was turning that finger back to me and actually learning to express what “I” was feeling.
Or are you the one who needs to fix things? My mother used to be the chronic fixer. You would talk to her about something and she would try to find a way to fix it to make it feel better. I am not going to lie I relied on that a lot. I knew she would fix it or make it better. But as I grew and stepped into my own power I didn’t want her to fix me or the situation. I just wanted my mother’s love and support and for her to actually know what I was experiencing.
Reflect on where you are with the relationships closest to you. How’s the communication? Where is the breakdown and are you willing to make the adjustments to reinvent your communication dynamic?
