relationships
The Power in Confronting Conversations
There is so much power that can come from those confronting conversations. Power in the ways of making a stand, being heard and creating a deeper understanding.
Many, many, many confronting conversations have occurred in the last couple of days with myself and the amazing man that stands by my side. Being in a true partnership takes lots of work and even more communication. But that is what we have both chosen to do. To invent a partnership where we can come together as two complete 100{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} beings to create a dynamic 200{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} togetherness.
The 2 x 100{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} completeness has been a shift. See, what I have realised is that when we became "us" I let go of a piece of me in order to create the 'us'. Why? Because I didn't know how not to. I didn't know how to be completely me and allow him to be completely him. I didn't get that. I didn't see that. I only saw what I felt to be the 'right' way and give up some of me in order to actually be an 'us'.
Now, that choice I made was a way to protect myself. To feel safer, comfortable, and normal. But a little space within was waving and screaming saying "remember me?" I have been swiped under the rug, but I am still here.
Maybe you understand this. Maybe you don't. Either way that's totally ok. But what we have done to literally reinvent our relationship has been the spark of magic. Because when two complete whole beings making a choice to be with each other fully, it creates a future that can inspire our children and their future relationships with their partners.
To come to the place to bring forth all of me I had to look to see what was missing. What was missing from myself and from my relationship that we needed to get into communication about. What was hiding underneath that needed to be expressed?
Oh these conversations are not easy ones. To be able to hold my ownership of what I am feeling without turning to blame, which I find very easy to do by the way. To express to him what is missing without defensiveness coming forward, which is a protective mechanism often turned to in these types of conversations. To just be able to hear and understand which can lead to a deeper more intimate understanding...
The type of relationship we are wanting to invent with each other we have never witnessed in our upbringing. It's what most people desire but it's either to hard or the amount of work needed to actually create it is never done.
Knowing we have each other and we are making the stand side by side together no matter how blah it sometimes makes us feel, we feel into those yucky feelings and come out the other side with new understandings and a deeper connection.
Human Connection
As human beings we long for love and connection.
No matter if you are male or female it’s a core need that we all desire. Andy and I have spoken deeply about providing that unconditional love for our kids. For them to know no matter what, and under all circumstances they are loved.
What this picture is to me is a display of showing that unconditional love from father to son. To show my son that it’s ok to fulfil his need for attachment and for his father to be willing to give him the love he’s desiring.
If this was a photo of Andy with our daughter it wouldn’t be a big deal because she’s a girl. She’s “supposed” to get more love. But son’s need it just as much as daughters do. What do we show our sons when we think it’s “to girly” to give hugs and kisses or to seek physical connection? We are showing them that it’s wrong, not good, not ok for boys, or their love is conditional compared to their sibling? If that’s all they know then what is that programming them for when they start their own relationships? What type of love will they be able to give to their spouse? What will showing love and affection to their own kids look like?
Now breaking the conditioning is not easy. I know conditional love. My husband knows conditional love. But for me being a female I remember witnessing the difference in how my parents connected and showed their love to me and how they showed it to my brothers. I hear the past programming in my husband when I suggest my son give his best mate a hug goodbye and he respond with boys don’t hug they shake hands.
But why can’t boys be allowed to show love, affection, empathy like the rest?
I love watching their relationship blossom. Love seeing their connection deepen. I enjoy witnessing the rewriting of the past and the future that emerges from it.
My son is a gentle, loving, empathic, affectionate, happy, and sweet boy. My job as his mother is for him to allow his beautiful gifts of a human being to continue to flourish.
Daddy Issues Be Gone
I am sure I am not the only one that has had “daddy issues”. It took me years to even see the relationship between how the world was occurring to me, my relationship with my husband and even my relationship with myself and the Daddy issues I had buried deep, pretending they didn’t exist. We have all had experiences in our lives that, if we allow them to, can create a disconnect for someone that we love. I yearned for a healthy, loving and connected relationship with my father, I just didn’t know where to start or what to do. I knew it started with me so I set out to reinvent the relationship with my dad and create change by letting go. Here is how I was able to reinvent my relationship.
For as long as I can remember I absolutely loved my dad. Like, worshipped him. He was the coolest thing and I always wanted to just be around him. When my dad decided to leave my mom, pain, anger, fear and sadness blocked those feelings. I felt wrong to see my dad in the same light I did before because of the turmoil that was unfolding in my household. But deep down I still did want to be around him and I loved him. I just didn’t know what life looked like anymore. So I pushed him away and he accepted.
The one man I loved so deeply was no longer in my life in the same way. I felt a void inside and so I did what I could to fill it. Boys, drugs, distractions. I envied my friends who had great relationships with their dads. Someday I hoped that I could have a relationship like that with my dad but to even go there I knew I would have to swim through the pain and anger. I knew I had to somehow get all of that out of the way if there was even a possibility of creating the relationship I desired.
Our relationship was rocky. We would sweep things under the rug and pretend everything was ok till the next blow up and then we wouldn’t talk for years at a time, sometimes. Then one would eventual reach out and then the cycle would continue. The cycle of pain, disappointment, and anger. A cycle I didn’t want to live in anymore. I wanted it to change and for us, to truly break free and create a relationship built on unconditional love and trust. After years of setting this as a vision for us I am pleased to say we have finally gotten there.
How, you may be asking? Well I am going to give you some steps to help you overcome your “daddy issues” and step forward towards a new relationship if you desire it. These tools are helpful with any relationship you currently feel disconnected with.
The first step…. own your part in the matter. Own up to your contribution to the current state of your relationship. Personally I didn’t know how to feel when my parents divorced. It pained me to see my mom in pain. I was confused by the talk and the bad mouthing. I didn’t know what to do so I felt I had to choose a side. I built the wall with my dad and men in general to avoid the pain. I chose to avoid the possibility of getting hurt so I avoided a real relationship with him. I had to own up to my part instead of just blaming him. It’s easy to point the finger at others but turning the mirror to ourselves isn’t so easy.
Let go of expectations. Geez I had so many expectations of how he was supposed to show up as a father. Expectations that were never even communicated with him. How could he even live up to that? He didn’t have a fair chance. So when I let go of how I was expecting him to show up I was able to see how he was actually showing up. Simply things like noticing he filled up my glass of wine without me even asking, calling just to say hello and no agenda, or sending me articles because he wants to empower me with a topic. I saw that those gestures are his way of showing his love and affection. I was blinded by those things because they didn’t fit into the box I was ‘expecting’. How amazing is it to let go of expectations of others and just see them for them underneath?
Let go of the resentments. I know it’s not easy to let go. Pain runs deep. I get that. I had 15 plus years of it. But the relationship I truly wanted with my dad depended on this. How was I to have an open, honest, loving relationship with him if I was holding onto past resentments? So I grabbed a paper and a pen and started to write. I wrote it all. Got it all out. The pain the anger, the hurt, the sadness just got it all out. And allowed myself acceptance and forgiveness to come through. That’s the key with these types of things — acceptance and forgiveness. Otherwise it’s just an angry mess. So my advice to you is to keep writing until you get to that place. The pain that is released during the process is hard to feel but if you come to that place of acceptance and forgiveness then you truly feel lighter and freer at the end of it.
Being open and honest. This was a hard one. Probably the toughest but I finally needed to let him into what I was holding back for so long. I had never given him the opportunity to get to know the real me. I was afraid of what we would think or feared he wouldn’t love me so I held the real me back. I had to shift the fear aside and just let him into how the world was occurring for me. I told him I didn’t need him to try to fix anything but just to listen. I also needed to finally express how I felt when we left my mom. Again, I didn’t need him to apologize or fix anything but I just needed to express it to him so I am no longer holding that back. He listened and acknowledged me and finally I was able to completely move on.
The most beautiful part is our commitment and agreement. We made a stand for our relationship. What it was is that no matter what we will be able to talk to each other. We can bring any concerns we have to the other in person and speak about them openly and honestly and we will listen to the other person. We will always have unconditional love for each other. Just being in agreement with each other on this allowed me to feel safe in our relationship.
Healing this relationship and literally reinventing it shifted so much inside me. I felt freer, kinder, more open and, honestly, more whole. Like the void was no longer missing. Love and respect for one another that used to seem conditional shifted to unconditional. Together we reinvented our relationship.
Healing the heart is what is needed. Please share this if it resonates with you. Time to be free and to reinvent those relationships, if you so desire.
Being a Mom Doesn’t Mean Losing your Identity
It’s ok to be who you are and be a mom. It’s ok to be sexy and a mom. It’s ok to live your raw truth and still be a mom.
7 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter so much changed. I was no longer just responsible for myself. I changed what I ate, what I used on my skin and changed how I thought I needed to be. I now needed to be mom. Making the adjustments for health I am grateful for, but losing ‘me’ as an individual was hard. It took me years to realise that I can be me and mom at the same time.
For years after becoming a mom it felt like I was having an identity crisis. I felt lost, confused, scared, trapped and alone. I loved being a mom but hated the box I put myself into based on what I thought others moms would think. Or what society thought.
I broke out of that box and stood up for myself in a huge way! I started to be proud of my sexuality. Proud of being a women. I started to own my sexuality. And as a mom of a beautiful daughter I want her to own hers too.
This journey hasn’t been easy. On top of just the ‘mom’ box I have had to break though my own internal struggles with my sexuality. I used to fight so hard against it. I didn’t want to think of myself as a sexual being. Oh the attention, the looks, the anxiety that would come with that… But we are all sexual beings. We often forget that we came from sex. So why do we try so hard to block that side of ourselves?
I believe it’s because we have been taught to pretend it doesn’t exist. We have been taught to hide our instinctive biological parts of ourselves. Because they are ‘bad’, ‘naughty’ or ‘dirty’. Well who wants to think of themselves as bad, naughty or dirty? I sure didn’t. But that is what is put on us, especially women, and it’s simply not the truth.
I personally blocked my sexuality from myself also because I have had personal experiences sexual assault. So if hide from myself, my own sexuality then I would be safe right? What that lead to was me being powerless and my negative experience had the power. It stripped a huge part of me. A part that makes me a women.
So as I post this today I am making a stand for freedom and empowerment. To lift other women up. To help you — for you to own all of who you are. Mom or not. To break the mould to be you. Own all of you. And this is me. Finally being free.
Share this. Pass this along. Let’s unite and stand for women owning all of who they are and be proud of it. Let’s teach our daughters to be proud of themselves and show them how by being the example.
Honest Conversations
I used to fear these type of talks. I would avoid them. I honestly didn’t really want to know what was truly occurring for someone else, especially my partner. Where that fear was coming from was because I would get so defensive about what they were telling me. I would take it on and turn it into some meaning about who I am. I would make myself feel like such a horrible person and it would cause me to freak out, yell, cry or scream.
So instead of that I just avoided really talking at all costs to prevent me from feeling that way.
Now where did that get me? Very surface level relationships and very boring surface level conversations. I didn’t want that and especially didn’t want that with my relationship. I wanted deep, real and open communication.
Tonight I realised my fear had shifted. I no longer play that game and I no longer avoid conversations that used to cause me to lose my shit.
My husband had a deep dive coaching session today. For those of you that have ever done anything like that, your stuff comes up! Lots of it comes up. You become very aware of it and need to express it. Well stuff came up for him. Things that I have triggered in him. Things that I have made him feel. All things I previously would have avoided wanting to know or ever been willing to actually listen too.
But I did listen this time. I allowed him the space to express what he was experiencing and what he was noticing. What did I do?….I didn’t lose it.
Now what changed? I realised his shit is his. He has the choice to play into it or not. He needs to be the cause of his experiences and point of view and I can’t take on his stuff as my own.
What I can do is listen. Acknowledge his feelings. Be aware of what he is experiencing or has experienced and just love him.
It was lovely to change this pattern. To have these hard conversations and still feel light in my heart. To be able to just hear him vs freaking out and to walk away still knowing the truth of who I am and feeling ever more confident in us.
Intimacy
I am not referring to the physical in-the-bedroom type of intimacy, even though that is great, but the emotional kind. The deep connection with another. Where you truly know who the other is. Know their dreams, desires and what’s hidden underneath. I want to chat with you about how I came to a deeper level intimately with my husband.
After being together for nearly 10 years I was surprised that there were still things we were hiding from each other. In our defense, we were not doing it intentionally, but you know when you walk into a room and you can just smell something rotten? You may not be able to see it but you sure can smell it? That was us. We could just smell it. We needed to lift the lid to discover where that stench was coming from. Find out what it was and where it was hiding.
The lid was lifted big time when I participated in a deep dive personal expansion journey. Things came up that I could no longer hide. Parts of me that I wanted to keep tucked away for one reason or another were surfacing. Funny how the thing that matters the most comes up when you decide to dive in. What mattered most was having a true intimate relationship with my husband. A relationship that inspires other relationships and not just because it looks good on social media but really because it is. Now this wasn’t just going to magically happen because I wanted it to — I had to get to work. Our future depended on it. Enough was enough! Time to get to work and expand “us”.
So, task one was getting really honest. Not honest in “you are not doing this, you are not doing that, why don’t you do this, why don’t you say that,” kind of way. I was owning up to my cause in the matter of where our relationship was and not putting blame on him for anything. What I needed to be really honest about was what I was hiding underneath. I needed to lift the vail, to reveal the parts that I was hiding that I thought to be the not-so-good pieces of me. To truly let him in and see me. All of me. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the pain, the anger, the bitchiness, the sassy and the sexy parts of who I am.
If you are the one wanting to grow a deeper more intimate connection with your partner let them know.
Now, the key was communication. I literally communicated about everything. So much talking went on that sometimes I wanted to just hide and not talk to anyone for days. But you know what was amazing was it was just talking. Expression of what I had always wanted to tell him or talk to him about but shyed away from. And these were not light conversations. These conversations were deep, raw, rough and full of love and acknowledgement for each other. It opened up space within us individually. Opened space with each other which allowed us to become intimate on a whole new level.
What are you holding back from your partner? Do you feel that real deep imitate connection with them outside of the bedroom as well as inside the bedroom? Are you ready to up your intimacy? Here are my tips for you:
First, if you are the one wanting to grow a deeper more intimate connection with your partner let them know. Tell them. Bring them into your vision for your relationship. What does that relationship look like? Paint the picture for them of why you want to work at building an intimate connection with them. My husband and I came together and made a stand for a relationship of love, connection, trust and adventure. We did this not only for each other but also for our kids. What stand are you going to make for yours?
Eye gaze. Sit with your partner chairs facing each other, knees touching and gaze into each other’s eyes for at least five mins. This exercise was so hard for me the first time I did it. They say eyes are the window to the soul and when doing this exercise you really do feel that soul connection.
Express what has been hiding. Key is to come from a place of you owning the cause in the matter and not from a place of blame or resentment. If you have resentment let go of it prior to having these open expression conversations. Write a letter with no intention of giving it to the person and release and forgive. After that you will have a much cleaner energetic space to have those deep expression conversations.
Get an acknowledgment journal. Write down things you want to be acknowledged for and your partner does the same and exchange. Have your partner read yours to you and you to your partners. Make this a habit and a date each week. You will be amazed and not only how amazing it feels to give and receive acknowledgments but also how it opens up communication with the both of you.
If you are the one wanting to grow a deeper more intimate connection with your partner let them know. Tell them. Bring them into your vision for your relationship. What is that relationship? My husband and I came together and made a stand for a relationship of love, connection, trust and adventure.
As a women I have always desired a real, connected, loving relationship. Movies, books and fairy tales lead me to believe it would just be that way if I was with the “right” person. But I now see that story and I know the facts. If I want that real, intimate and loving relationship then it takes work. Sometimes the work is freaking hard. But what comes from the hard work makes the sweat to get there desirable.
Please share this story if it resonates with you. You never know who it might help x
