Missy Garcia

Body Positive - Honour & Nourish What Is

Enough with the self-hate. Honour and nourish what is

In one way or another, we have all dealt with body image. Women are consistently comparing themselves to others and are made to believe that they are not good enough. Men may also face similar feelings with regards to their bodies.

It’s time to flip the perspective and protect ourselves from what is being thrown at us.  Let’s love what is and meet the body with compassion, coming into a state of fluidity between the mind and the body, instead of the mind vs the body.

I want to explore 4 areas that we can dive into a conversation around to see how we can adjust the perspective.

1. Filtering social conditioning and add some protection from the media messages. Can we choose to take on the social messages being thrown at us every day or can we choose to filter and protect? I choose to filter and protect. As a young girl, I wanted to be a model. The beauty and glamour, plus the travel while making money always perked my interest. Flipping through magazines I would compare, try to look like or edit myself to become what I saw vs just seeing it for what it is….beauty in an artistic expression. When I started to protect myself from the idea that I had to be like them to ‘I am me’ and ‘they are them’, I realised we are all beautiful in uniqueness. This is when the artistic expression through the lens, makeup artist, hair stylist and model shined through.
2. Redefine your definition of beauty. What is your current definition of beauty? Firm body, clear skin, beautiful hair? Is it very specific? How can you start to broaden your definition? Can you broaden it the slightest amount today? Then expand it even further next month? Can this be a game of redefining beauty continuously? Explore that J
3. What are you focusing on? Assets? Imperfections? You may all know the saying ‘where the focus goes the energy flows’. So why spend so much time focusing there? Compliment the areas you love and enjoy. Flow some good energy into yourself with that kind of love.
4. Respect and honour the functionality and the uniqueness of your body. I am curious how you would feel if the next time you thought negatively about your ass you stopped, took a step back and looked at it in a completely different perspective, seeing the uniqueness and functionality of it instead? I am grateful for the cushion my ass provides otherwise it would hurt to even sit here to write this blog. Would that make you smile and bring some love to the area of your body that was being told something else just a moment before?

Looking through a different lens opens up the opportunity to see things from a different angle. Become mindful of your thoughts. Stop and connect into your body. What gratitude can you show to your body for the uniqueness and functions it provides?

And lastly, I will leave you with this… We are not separate from our bodies. It is not just a head that thinks attached to a body that does. Our bodies are profound and intelligent. Our bodies communicate to us all the time. Are you listening?

by Missy Garcia

Why I Stopped Doing Time Outs

Man, the kids are acting up! Fighting, biting, screaming something has to give because I can’t consistently be the referee and I need to hear myself think. So time out! Go sit in your room. Or stand in the corner and think about what you did. That’s the most peaceful way to go about it, right? When I was a kid it could have been a spanking or being grounded for a week, so a quick time out is a step up. But what is a time out actually teaching our kids?

I know in our adult mind if someone told us to go sit and think about what we did we would play the record over and over again thinking of ways to make it better, or talking about how bad a person we are for doing 'x' thing. But the kid before the age of seven hasn’t even developed the part do their brain that’s responsible for reasoning, being able to use words vs acting out or making meaning to the vast amount of information they are exposed to. So, if our adult reasoning for a time out is to have them consider what they did is not ok, then are they actually connecting the two, or are we sending a different message to them entirely?

Follow me for a moment.  What if we have been taught to send them away so they can reflect and realise why they should be sorry for there behaviour is actually teaching our kids that we only love them when…or they are only a part of the family as long as they don’t do….or you are not an acceptable person with these traits? What if they take the time out as just straight rejection? That they are being rejected based off of their behaviour.

What kind of message are we sending?

When I was first introduced to this perspective my heart dropped into my stomach. The last thing I would ever want my children to feel is conditional love and rejection, especially coming from their mother. Now, it’s no secret that the world we live in today is not how it was 100, 300, or 1000 years ago. Things have changed drastically and so have we as a society. But what is still deeply imbedded in our human brain is tribal heritage. Everyone had a role within the tribe. Everyone worked together for the better good, safety and survival of the tribe. If someone was banished or rejected from that tribe for whatever reason it was most likely a death sentence as there goes the safety and security. That was the ultimate punishment in those times. Fast forward to modern times. Those in prison what’s their ultimate punishment... Isolation! As human being we need human contact and these forms of rejection strip that away. And buried deep down rejection equals death. Also, a lot of us choose to do or not do something simply based on the fear of being rejected. I don’t want to voice my opinion because possible rejection could crush me, or even in some cultures, currently voicing an opinion that does not mesh with how things are can quite possibly lead to death. So, in the same way are time out’s sending the same message to our kids? Are we shaping them to fear rejection from such an early age that by adulthood anything that can lead to rejection as a possibility is avoided?

Of course time outs are not stripping the child from all human contact, throwing them into a dark cell or causing death but could the message we send by doing them be telling them that they do not belong?  You are not welcome in this family like that. Change or ship out. Man how many times did I hear that as a child. Live by my rules or leave. Confirm to what I perceive as ok and acceptable or you do not belong.

If we are unconsciously creating a inner culture around their fear of being rejected by their own family then how can we be setting them up to know they are loved unconditionally. The actions are what will ingrain feelings within.  So is sending them off to their rooms proving to them in action that no matter what, how they respond to a situation or say a bad word that they have unconditional love, support and belong?

Probably by this point you may be thinking - 'well, if they don’t realise how wrong their behaviour was they will eventually do that same behaviour ten fold and go to jail.' Or they may have zero respect for you as a parent because they don’t fear any consequences. Here is my perspective on that.

Everyday they are learning that their actions have consequences. Some of those may go into the good column others on the unpleasant side, but either way they are learning every single day. Most people, and this includes children, are acting out because they are not receiving some time that they desire. Most of the time they act out in a way that is perceived as wrong and this gives them some negative attention, but it’s actual attention. Think of anyone in your life that has been able to love you through the good times and the bad times and through both all that was there was unconditional love and support. Is that the type of person you would want to disrespect or one you want to continue to nourish? But I believe we really need to get down to what is actually occurring for the child to begin with. Are we giving them the opportunity to express how they view the world? Can they tell us things that perhaps might trigger a negative response within us, but we are still able to hear them with love and support.

Acting out is usually linked to something else. Something that is hiding underneath and needs the love, support and a safety-haven for all expression. So, if we remove rejection and have unconditional love and support, do you feel you child would be more or less likely to communicate the hard things later on in life?

The way things are just don't work

The world of corporal punishment, isolation and rejection without communication is not working. Our world needs unconditional love and to create that perspective it needs to start with the most important relationship a child will ever have and that’s with their parents. We need to stop fearing that we may mess them up and just start to love them especially in those times when they seem the least “deserve” it. I know we mean well and as parents are often left feeling like “am I even doing this right” and of course we all just want our child to be accepted by society. But I have come to question what am I possibly stripping from them. Or whether I am enhancing fear to achieve this 'acceptable' behaviour.

Some ideas to do instead of sending them away.

Hold the child, sit with the child, hug the child, get into communication about what may be going on, and what triggered them to react that way. Depending on the age of child some of these suggestions will not work because their brain is not developed in the way to be able to process the consequences of their action. But only way no matter the age is to be able to be with the child during their rough outburst. Maybe they will allow you to hold them, maybe you need to do some deep breathing exercises with them to help them calm down, or maybe you sit next to them during their outburst. Being able to be with them even in their anger or frustration will set the example that no matter what you will be there.

One last thing...

I know one last complaint that may be coming to your brain. But if they are freaking out, yelling etc and I sit and be with this behaviour isn’t that teaching them it’s ok to act like that. That they will get loving attention so won’t they keep doing it? I will leave you with this. If they have loving attention and support will they still need to?

by Missy Garcia

How to make this the best holiday season you've had

The holiday season is upon us. Thanksgiving is the start of the season for my American families. Christmas has it’s own meaning depending on what you believe, but for most people the commonality is a time of connection and togetherness, especially with family, or at least so people hope.

Now, it's no surprise that some family gatherings turn out to be evenings of bitterness, resentfulness and disappointment.

I want to invite you into the possibility of having a holiday full of connection and love instead. Wouldn't that truly touch your heart to just be able to BE with your loved ones this year?

Let's chat about how to put in the work to make that dream a reality.

First thing first. We need to understand deep within that you are in control of your own feelings, reactions, what you take on and actions to improve on an existing relationship. Many people ask me when I help coach them with their relationships "but what about them, I can't control them. So how am I to know that what I change will have any impact on them?" Here is the reality of it. You have zero control over them. You can only control your own thoughts, point of view and reactions.

Take some time to be mindful of others and your reactions. Before the events start to roll in, take some time to write out all the previous grievances that have arisen during the holiday seasons of the past, and reflect on what triggered the upset. What part did you play in that? How can move the conversations this year so to focus on a positive outcome if those issues arise again? By preparing yourself and being mindful of your own influence on the situation you will have tools to be able to handle the situation better.

Release unrealistic expectations. We often put much more pressure on our family members than we do on anyone else in our lives. Why? They are just human like you with their own issues and challenges. Remember that you rarely know what is going on in someone else’s life, and the negativity  that can surface is often evidence of much deeper issues going on under the surface. Reflect on this and be gentle in your judgements of others.

Be a blessing to those around you this year. Look for ways to communicate your love and appreciation to each person in your family. So much of our disappointment comes from feeling unfulfilled from others around us (they don’t listen to us, they are uninterested in what we are doing, they are being selfish etc)… Go the extra mile this year to have no expectation from others, but give back to them above and beyond. Breathing this positivity into the holiday gathering will bring with it a positive vibe that will surprisingly influence everyone around you.

When we live on the defensive, we will always encounter the battle. Set yourself up to actively influence the situation from a positive mindset and a heart full of love. You’ll be surprised at how much of a difference it makes.

by Missy Garcia

The Ripple Effect

The ripple

You never know what ripple you can create.

How big it can get?

How wide it can expand?

That’s the thing with ripples. You can see the initial impact but the further it goes the less you actually see it.

But what needs to happen for you to start your own ripple? Action!

The action can be making a choice and taking action on it, having a conversation, making a stand, saying yes to an opportunity or turning down an unknown path. You may never even really see the ripple starting but years later may look back to see the rippling impact.

We all have the capability to start a ripple that can move through us and onto others. We all have the power to make an impact. Whether you go into it with that intention or not, every choice has the capability to cause a ripple effects. Ripples can evoke courage in others to accept it. See, a ripple once started needs others to keep it going. To keep it going and moving on to continue the impact, another person has to see the ripple, accept it, have courage to continue with it and vision to see the impact it can create for others.

What I am drawn to regarding this phenomenon is the fact that these ripples create impact by doing something that includes you but is bigger than you.

Here’s one thing that has become very clear me to over the last few months. I have seen and accepted many ripples in the past few years. Some that I am very consciously aware of and implemented direct action around and others I am not so consciously aware of. I have also begun to own my piece in it vs stating oh it wasn't anything I did or no big deal. No, I am owning it because in doing so I am accomplishing what I have set out to do......create positive impact for others. See if I don't own my part then how can I really impact others?

Every action we decide to take that may step outside the "expected" zone takes courage. To utilise that courage takes vision and heart. Within that heart is love. My love for others is deep. I want everyone to live a connected, fulfilled, healthy, and empowered life, so I will continue to create, add longevity and fire to ripples that can make the positive impact that is needed today.

What are you going to do next time the ripple reaches you?

by Missy Garcia

4 Ways To Run A Business Without Getting Burnt Out

It is no surprise that there is an exceeding high level of burnt out amongst entrepreneurs and small business owners. The strange concept here is that one of the main things that attracts you to being an entrepreneur or setting up a home-based business in the first place is being the boss –setting your own schedule, not having to answer to anyone, and reaping the profits.

One of the biggest challenges is that there is no ceiling on the quantity of work that you can be doing. The mindset very quickly becomes one of work more, earn more. This is rarely the case.

As soon as the long nights, early mornings and full working weekends become the norm your productivity rapidly slows and you find yourself very quickly resenting the passionate vision you once had.

So how do you run your own business without the constant feeling like you are about to completely lose the plot?

Here’s some ways I have found to help me manage the craziness:

1. Sleep routine

This is a no brainer when it is written down, but seems to be one of the hardest things to stick to. Having a regular time that you go to be and get up helps your body systems stay in tune with what’s going and reduces the level of stress you will experience on a daily basis.

“With regular daily activities, our various body systems are able to prepare for and anticipate events. We naturally become more alert closer to our wake-up time. Our digestive systems become activated in advance of regular meal times in order to more efficiently process food. We start to relax and become sleepy prior to bedtimes. It turns out that these regular daily events serve to anchor our underlying daily rhythms.” SOURCE

2. Time off

Again, a no-brainer right? But let’s be honest, unless someone is nagging you out the door, or you have a pre-arranged social event scheduled, there is always one more email to check, a social media post to publish or bank accounts to reconcile.. Book it in. Make it a non-negotiable in your week. Make sure it is a time you know you can stick to. Even if it is just 4 or 5 hours on a weekend to start with where you leave your phone off, computer hidden, and all discussions about business behind you. 4 -5 hours will give you a taste of how much more refreshed you can feel if you commit regularly. Ideally, at least 1 whole day a week will allow you to reap the full benefits. I find that especially my creativity is sparked after time out.

3. Get help 

For goodness sakes, if you are building an empire, don’t try and conquer it all on your own. Even if it is one simple task that you can give to your partner, or to a family member who is looking for a small amount of income, or even a stay-at-home mum who is just wanting something to get her mind active around sleep times etc. There are so many people out there who are not looking for full time work, and what would taking a 5 hour task out of your week actually do for you and your business??

4. Set yourself boundaries

Work hour boundaries, when you are going to do certain types of work, and how much is actually achievable in one week. Write it all down at the start of the week, and then check it off as you go. Don’t add any more to the list. If you accomplish it all by Friday morning, give yourself the afternoon off.

The reality is, you are your business – especially if you are a small business owner or just starting out. So, if you are laid up for weeks sick because of stress and burn out, your business is going to fall in a heap and you will end up much further behind than if you had decided to take an afternoon off to nurture yourself. Keep this in mind and your business and your health will flourish simultaneously.

by Missy Garcia

Pieces of You

Pieces of You

What would it look like and feel like to truly accept all the pieces of ourselves?

Would we all of a sudden feel a shift? Would it feel the same as when completing a puzzle, that kind satisfaction? Or would it just feel peaceful?

At what point in our lives did we come to a place to consider: ‘oh that part that is sassy and bitchy, that’s not ok so I will just tuck that over here and try really hard to hide it. I’ll hope no one ever finds that part of me.’ Was it from other people’s options about who we should be? Or from punishment from parents or authority figures that tried to make sure we knew that we were “naughty” because of our behaviour.

How would it feel to look at those sides of ourselves and start to love on them and allow them to come out from hiding? To truly integrate it back into the whole person and accept that it exists.

I want to invite you into the opportunity to let go of the wrongness we feel around the not-as-socially-accepted parts of ourselves, and to look at it differently to see the beauty in it. It takes courage to see what’s hiding but to be open to all of you creates so much power.

Break the Mould

Here are some things to try which will help you start to bring those pieces together again

Write down and reflect on what aspects of who you are have you felt wrong about?

With each of these reflect on the gifts they served you with. For example, I am a sassy bitch. This serves me at times when I need to stand up for myself or my kids. Served me as a protection when I was fearful.  So I can now be thankful for this side of me because I know I have it when needed.

Who can you communicate your noticing’s with? Can you express what you have uncovered?

Write a love letter to that piece of you. Show it some love and gratitude for all it has done for you.

Hiding can be tiring. Playing a different game in the world vs in the home - that's tiring. The parts we try to hide come out the most with those we are closest too. But why hide? All pieces of us are what make us US. Be proud of who you are and the amazingness you bring to the table.

by Missy Garcia

Stop trying to fix me!

I am not broken. I do not need you to fix me. The prince coming to rescue the princess is what we are all made to believe, but what I do need is to be heard. Listen to me. Hear what I am saying. Feel how life is impacting me and be able to “be” with me as I communicate what I need to say.

Communication is the key to healthy relationships, right? But there is much more to communication than what is spoken. It’s been stated that 93{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} of communication is nonverbal so why is it when I need to actually discuss something with someone they automatically jump to verbal communication? If 93{5b5c8818b45788ec0393187cda3473631c9bfc58af53ac8c7658cd11646902a3} of communication is nonverbal, then have we just forgotten the skill of being able to listen? To be able to just express most of what’s needed through the nonverbal side of communication? Are we unable to actually sit with someone and give then the space to actually describe what is happening in their world?

Disconnection with those we love and those we have relationships with happens when we stop communicating. Is the decision to stop real honest communication from personal beliefs, or is it the result of others trying to fix us? What does 'trying to be fixed' even mean?

It may look like this: I tell me partner that I feel stressed out because I just moved to a new country and I don’t have any friends. I feel alone and I miss my family. What I am desiring is just to be heard and for him to understand how I am feeling since moving. What happens when he is trying to fix it is perhaps he starts scheduling a time for friends to visit and finding a way to make new friends. Even though this response comes from a place of love and care, I do not actually feel heard. I feel like how I am feeling is not ok and needs to be fixed. What if I stated the same thing to my partner and the response was "I hear you and what you're expressing to me, and what you are feeling. What are some ideas you are thinking about to help with these needs?"

We often forget that we really do know what we need to do. We hold the key. Why do we forget that? Because it is hidden behind the feelings either unexpressed or expressed but it's tried to 'be fixed'. But if listened to then we can maintain our own power and feel supported by the one listening. Listening is such an important skill, and one that personally I have had work on. Why didn’t they teach listening skills in school? If listening was emphasized from early on maybe we would be better listeners. But even if listening we are still left with another area that needs to be discussed which is being able to allow the other person to express their emotions. I don’t know why we developed such a tough, almost emotionless culture, where it’s hard to deal with when someone is expressing anything with emotion behind it. Maybe it’s because a lot of us hide from our own emotions?  Or maybe we are just modelling what we were taught? I even catch myself now with my kids shhhing them when they are shedding some tears, but remember they don’t need to be told to be quiet - they need me to just be there with love.

Right now think of something that is occurring that you would just love to talk about. Something you may be feeling? Something you may be trying to hide to avoid possible conflict or frustration? Close your eyes and imagine being able to say all that you need to say and just be heard and not fixed.

Now, I am not referring the conversations where all you want to say is the “you” word. You know the “you” word. "You did this." "You didn’t do that etc..." It’s not the blame game of expression but the “I” game. "I am feeling like this." "I have this going on." "I feel sad." "Or I wish we lived closer to family."

Expressing what the “I” wishes to say. How would that impact the relationship if you were able to freely communicate in that manner? Would it bring you closer? Would it increase the understanding of the other person?

Maybe you are reading this and thinking you are the “you” person when going into conversations. Man I totally do that. I will tell you what, that was me! I was the “you” person. Everything was my husband’s fault. I was feeling the way I was because he did or didn’t do something. In that dynamic he never wanted to discuss anything because he knew it would be bad. Our communication was horrible and we were not going to or connecting on any deep level. I felt like we were just surviving. The tough shift was turning that finger back to me and actually learning to express what “I” was feeling.

Or are you the one who needs to fix things? My mother used to be the chronic fixer. You would talk to her about something and she would try to find a way to fix it to make it feel better. I am not going to lie I relied on that a lot. I knew she would fix it or make it better. But as I grew and stepped into my own power I didn’t want her to fix me or the situation. I just wanted my mother's love and support and for her to actually know what I was experiencing.

Reflect on where you are with the relationships closest to you. How’s the communication? Where is the breakdown and are you willing to make the adjustments to reinvent your communication dynamic?

by Missy Garcia